Thanks for a Sweet Game NFL!!!!

You know how TV shows now a days always start off their seasons with two hour premieres that have more twists and turns than Lombard Street in San Francisco?  They suck you in and get you excited about the season ahead.  You see highlights from shows ahead and maybe a shot of the main character saying some cliche line like “now we play for keeps.”  Well apparently the NFL plays by its own set of rules, just like Tom Cruise in “Top Gun” or any human being on Earth in the game of “Risk” when their opponents look away from the board (how the Hell did those tanks end up on the Australian border?) because last night was the WORST match up they could have given us.

Maybe we need to bring Mel Gibson into this so he can tell us what fans want (I feel like Gene Shalot right now).  We want offense!  Give us points!  Lots of them!  So what does the NFL do?  They put two teams with young quarterbacks and limited offensive weapons on national television and gushed over how it was such a great rivalry.  First of all, a great rivalry is only great if both teams are actually good at football.  The Giants and Redskins have been picked by many to finish out of the playoffs.  Second of all, neither team’s fans consider one another their greatest rival.  I know people from New York and Washington and they both hate the Cowboys much more.  So don’t give us this second runner up beauty queen and tell us it’s a great rivalry.  Give us the gusto or give us death (all 5 people from the state of New Hampshire applaud).

It was also great that we got to see a guy who got hurt last year and is still a couple years away from being any good (Jason Campbell) and the guy who led the league in interceptions last year (Eli Manning) at the quarterback spots last night.  Yes, I know Eli was part of the superbowl winning Giants, but I think we can all agree that was a full team effort rather than Eli playing out of his mind (the day the Pats fans recognize that Tom Brady’s “wins” were also team efforts and not his Godly ability to play the game of football is the day I stop hating them).  Eli should have had 3 interceptions last night.  Instead he had one.  Wow, awesome game Eli!  Jason Campbell was even worse to watch.  He looked more confused than I am when I try to do a Rubik cube.  What an offensive showdown we got to see!!!!!!

They also gave us Al Michaels and John (expletive) Madden, two talking heads who made such comments as “well, they’ll get one of those timeouts back on the change of possession.”  Are you kidding me Madden?  You mean the clock stops after a change of possession?  My 18 years of watching the NFL self had no idea.  Thanks for the information jackass!  I cannot stand announcing that states the extreme obvious.  We are all fans.  We understand the basic rules.  I don’t need an announcer to explain to me that the running back runs the ball the same way I didn’t need my parents to explain to me that the Lorax got screwed in that Dr. Seuss book.  I want an announcer to get me inside the huddle and explain things that I, as a non-professional football player, would not otherwise know.  Madden gave up this ability years ago so why was he announcing the big premiere of the NFL this season?  Damn you Roger Goddell.

Finally, who the Hell is running NBC?  You morons over there couldn’t figure out that you had two nationally televised events (the game and the George W. Bush for 8 more years, I mean, Republican National Convention) scheduled to overlap?  Is a team of gorillas running this network?  The game began at 4 PM PST which meant that most west coasters didn’t catch the game until it was at least in the middle of the second quarter.  Smart planning guys!  Finally we have some people who can have a real conversation with Jessica Simpson without wanting to scratch their ears off.

So thanks for a terribly played football game NFL!  Can we get the Dolphins and the Raiders next year?

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Tags: Al Michaels, Cowboys, Dolphins, Dr. Seuss, Eli Manning, George W. Bush, Jason Campbell, Jessica Simpson, John Madden, Lombard Street, Lorax, Mel Gibson, NBC, New York Giants, NFL, Raiders, Republican National Convention, Risk, Roger Goodell, Superbowl, Thursday Night Football, Tom Brady, Top Gun, Washington Redskins

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