But What If He Gets Traded?
He Hate Me will have no shortage of candidates for Loser of the Week come Monday, as an endless parade of sports idiots keep prancing through early September. And the latest? The wide receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson. In some kind of weird homage to the XFL, the Cincinnati Bengals (the franchise is a joke anyway, so why not turn it into a joke that doubles as a circus? At least then they appear somewhat family friendly) will actually give in to Chad’s ridiculousness and put “Ocho Cino” on the back of his jersey. There are several questions or issues that arise from this farce.
1. Will there be outrage in the Spanish-speaking community of Cincinnati? (Is there a Spanish-speaking community in Cincinnati?)
Anyone who has been through even the most basic of Spanish language classes knows that the number ‘85′ is not translated as ‘Ocho Cinco’. I’m sure translational accuracy was not the first thing on CJOC’s mind, in fact he probably thinks he’s being a gansta by referring to himself as “eight five” instead of “eighty five”. But will our Spanish brothers realize this? I hope there is at least one sign on Sunday that reads, “Chad, it is “Ochenta y Cinco” (I do believe the “y” is optional, but let’s not split hairs). So Chad, if your going to make a mockery of your family’s name, at least don’t piss off the group that is fast becoming the American majority. Bad form, sir, bad form.
2. Why did the Bengals agree to Chad’s wishes?
That is like giving candy to a little kid who whines, stomps, screams, and cries in public because he wants some candy. I’m sure Marvin Lewis has children, so he should know how to handle Chad Ocho Cinco – an adult that behaviors like a child. I suppose a child can’t threaten to quit and force a trade to another family, but I think the two situations are similar enough. Leave Johnson on his jersey, leave Johnson in the programs, and as long as you continue sending Johnson his game checks, he’ll continue to play. Sure, he’ll keep bitching and moaning because he’s a bitch and a moan, that’s who he is and it’s not going to change, but at least that way you don’t encourage it even more. Now he thinks he can get away with it, now he has the power. What will Chad do next? Officially change his position to quarterback? Play with his jock strap outside his pants? Get even crazier and ask to wear a jersey with “Houshmandzadeh” on the back? I have no clue, but I’m sure there will be something, and after giving in to his latest bizarre antic, it will probably be something even more extravagant.
3. What if he gets traded to a team that already employs a #85?
This is the situation I most desperately want to happen. Obviously, Chad’s first reaction will be an attempt to purchase the number from his new teammate. This is not uncommon for players who have worn a specific number for a long period of time and who feel superstitiously or emotionally attached to that number. But I don’t think any player has ever had so much, you know… like his legal last freakin’ name… riding on the number purchasing offer. So what if the player said, “No Chad, I like this number, and as an adult with some semblance of sanity, I’m not going to give into your ridiculous shenanigans. I hope you enjoy Ocho Uno, Mr. Ocho Cinco.” That would be the most contradictorily awesome jersey of all time, sure to confuse new Spanish speakers for years to come.
4. Why does Chad John…. ugh… I don’t even know how to refer to him anymore… Ocho Cinco continually do this type of thing?
Okay, he likes to have fun. He likes to entertain. No problem with that. I admit, a while back when he came out of the tunnel with the temporary ‘Ocho Cinco’ patch on his jersey, I thought it was pretty clever. I also don’t think Carson Palmer was 100% joking around when he promptly ripped the patch off Chad’s jersey. Either way, I think that was as far as that act needed to go. Ocho Cino is like any of us, I mean, who doesn’t come up with ridiculous crazy ideas every now and then? The difference is that just about everyone else has this thing called common sense. They come up with these ideas, but then have the mindset to actually think about the possible ramifications of those actions and decide to pass. Ocho Cinco lacks common sense. He gets a crazy idea and then has no reflex to hold back. “I should race a horse!” (Normal person – “Wait, that would be stupid… and I’d get smoked.” Chad – “Yo, Drew Rosenhaus, I think I should race a horse. Set that up, bro.”). “I should get a gold grill for my teeth!” (Okay, that’s actually not that bad).
If he learned to stop his antics a step before they go too far, I wouldn’t have any problem whatsoever. But he takes it beyond the ‘fun’ zone and into the ‘hurts my team’ zone, yet doesn’t seem to care. The first question his teammates are going to be asked before and after their first few games will undoubtedly be about Chad and his latest entertainment maneuver. I guarantee these teammates are beyond sick of these questions. Constantly addressing them creates an annoying distraction. Annoying distractions creates frustrations, angst, and a lack of trust on the field. These factors create… well… a 15-17 record over the past two seasons for a team that went 11-5 in 2005 and has almost as much talent as the Indianapolis Colts.
So get ready for another disappointing year, Bengals fans. You’ve got a class act named Ocho Cinco that is doing his darnedest to make sure his team underachieves year in and year out! But at least non of those guys has been arrested in a while, right?
Tags: Bengals, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, Cincinnati, Ocho Cinco, TJ Houzmandzadehmamma
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