Seven Olympic “Sports” I Could Do Without

The Olympics are enjoyable because we get to cheer for our country as they take on the most elite athletes in the world.  Or so I thought.  Little did I know that so many useless sports exist in the Olympics.  Baseball and Softball are getting eliminated yet there are still sports that have no business on my television…ever.  Here are seven of them that I care about as much about as I care that Brett Favre ran a penalty lap (sorry New Yorkers but why you applauded him running around is as perplexing to me as the ending of “No Country for Old Men”):

Air Rifle:

Guns are pretty cool.  Don’t get me wrong.  They are as uncool as the loud laugh guy in the movies (you know, the one who laughs with quick bursts that he then sustains at the same pitch for multiple seconds…well this type of guy single handedly ruined “Wedding Crashers” for me).  But when used the right way, they are as cool as the Cheeto’s Cheetah.  But an air rifle?  It shoots freakin’ air!  You know what else shoots air?  My mouth.  I just exhaled really quickly.  It was such a good shot I blew my empty water bottle over.  You know what else shoots air?  My butt after I eat too many pinto beans, but this is more embarrassing than something I am proud of.  Yet somehow these idiots are given a gold medal for their ability to shoot an element that is ubiquitous.  Good for them. [Edit- Ray Lewis pointed out below that air rifles do not actually shoot air but rather use air to propel objects.  Doesn't matter to me, this sport is still stupid].

Archery:

The skills of those in Archery are more archaic than women not wearing deodorant (seriously, that is why they all carried flowers.  They wanted to disguise their smell).  Here is what archers’ skills allow them to do: be absolutely lethal in an 11th century battle.  Sweet!  How useful!  Oh, and they could also go hunt deer, which would be great just in case every single gun in the entire world self destructed at the exact same time.

Equestrian Dressage:

Has anyone else gotten the pleasure, errr, horror of seeing this sport?  In case you haven’t here is what happens (NOTE-SPOILER ALERT; I’M ABOUT TO COMPLETELY RUIN THE SPORT FOR YOU):  the horses walk around in a figure eight.  No, seriously.  That is what happens.  “Chutes and Ladders” has more variability than this sport.  The most amazing part, however, is that at the end.  People actually applaud like the horse did something amazing.  It walked around people!  I could take you to a petting zoo and you could see the same thing!

Rhythmic Gymnastics:

In this joke of a sport, women dance around with either a jump rope (something everyone can handle after the first grade), batons (which are used by cheerleaders), a stick with a twirly ribbon attached to it (which could be constructed by any kindergartner who has learned how to use glue), or a hula hoop (which is very popular amongst overweight men at Hawaiian Luas).  I saw a hobo dancing around with a piece of ribbon the other day and no one offered him a gold medal.  And he was actually pretty good.

Synchronized Diving:

In case you don’t know, the Chinese are really good at this.  If that isn’t enough for you to hate this sport more than Dick Vitale hates the BCS, what is up with their showers?  Why do they shower after every single dive and why aren’t these showers disguised from the view of the cameras?  I want to see these people showering like I want to go a round with Mike Tyson.  Whoever is the one responsible for NBC showing this sport every second of the day, please just stop.  I am begging you.  You are killing me on the inside.

Synchronized Swimming:

Why is this still in the Olympics?  It reminds me of youth soccer when all the parents form a tunnel as you run off the field after the game and cheer “We are proud of you.  We are proud of you (clap) (clap).”  So that is cool when you are eight and then you grow up and realize it’s as lame as your leg when it falls asleep on the toilet and you stop supporting that.  So why then is synchronized swimming still around?  Who is supporting it and who can I kill to make it go away?

Yachting:

Yachting is what rich, white guys do when they run out of ways to waste their money.  It is NOT a sport.  It is a relaxation activity.  If “Massage” became an Olympic sport, wouldn’t everyone be up in arms?  So why is this activity considered a sport.  I mean, at least in “massage” the person has to have strength to soothe your muscles.  My view is that if a guy who couldn’t make a middle school basketball team, they are not athletes.  Some of these yacht guys would be the 12th man on my little cousin’s fifth grade basketball team (and that includes some kids who haven’t won anything since they won that quick sprint to their Mom’s eggs).

Explore posts in the same categories: Olympics

Tags: air rifle, archery, Beijing, China, Equestrian Dressage, lame sports, Olympics, Rhythmic Gymnastics, Sports, stupid events, Synchronized Diving, Synchronized Swimming, yachting

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.